Today is better. I have literally the BEST friends. We went to A&S night last night and I drank some good mead (and some terrible mead) and laughed and joked and walked directly into a straight line and felt a lot better.
Today I am sad, because it’s Dante’s angel date, but that’s normal and ok and accepted and it’s not the empty nothingness and pain of depression. There is no time limit on grief, and while my level of sadness is unexpected to me, it’s OK.
There is a huge difference between real, genuine “feelings” and “symptoms” that are cooked up by my stupid, evolved brain, and I think I’m just coming to realize that.
Feelings are good and while they may be intense or “big”, they are tolerable. I didn’t have feelings for a long time because I was dramatically overmedicated for a lot of years.
But even with all the meds, I still had symptoms, which feel icky and gross and terrible. Like, depression or irrational rage or even in some cases, hypomania or mania.