This post is from October 20th, 2018. Thankfully I’m not feeling this way today.
I woke up out of sorts this morning and it never really got better. You know that sleepy, relaxed, calm feeling you get when you’re juuuuust waking up on a weekend? I don’t get that anymore pretty much ever. I go from feeling dead (deoxygenated, dehydrated, not moving at all) to sudden movement and awareness of my own existence as I start moving immediately upon achieving any shred of consciousness, my heart pounding and my existence just buzzing as I greet the morning with panic and dread.
And then today, emptiness. All my words are gone. All my feelings are gone. I feel cold and alone, even in the company of good friends. Not anxious. Not sad. Just like my consciousness is floating somewhere in the ether, remote-controlling my squishy meat suit.
I tried to put a hot shower in the hole. I tried to put coffee in the hole. I tried to put healthy, carefully selected food in the hole. I tried to put Coke Zero in the hole. I finally put red wine in the hole and that numbed the hole a little bit and then I shoved crap food into the hole until I felt slightly fuller and then I tried to socialize at Commons for hours and nothing touched me or moved me. After stressing myself out about not having enough time to see people before I had to go home, I wanted to bail out and be alone, but not alone. Will I ever be soothed and calm again?
Is this depression? Is this my mental illness? Is this my personality? Is this the waning sunlight as we drift into winter? Is this my mid-life crisis?