I have an interesting thought exercise that’s another intersection point between my philosophy interests and my mental wellness concerns.
I’ve often remarked that “it’s just a little harder to be me”, mostly in reference to my ongoing mental issues. I delivered this Lease-standard line to a relatively new friend over the summer, and consequently, we had a more in depth talk about it.
She was trying to cheer me up or give me a pep talk. I was wailing and gnashing my teeth dramatically as I am prone to do, and I said, “My emotions are way more intense than everyone else’s and they’re really hard to handle.” And she said, “But are they?” And I stopped cold.
Really, objectively, I have no idea if they really are bigger, or more intense or whatever. This conversation has stuck with me for awhile now. It’s that classic, “How do we know we’re both seeing the same thing when we say something is a particular color?”
Certainly, my reactions to emotions are far more intense than other people’s. Does that necessarily mean that my feelings are more intense as well, or do I just (over)react to them? There’s definitely a negative connotation there in terms of saying “overreact”. But what if I could learn NOT to overreact? I think that was her point – we all feel emotions, and we all have to learn one way or another to deal with them.
Part of my brain outright rebels at the idea that I’m capable of controlling myself and simply choose not to. After all, I didn’t choose to be mentally different. It’s a key part of me. Am I my disorders? Of course I’m so much more than that, but they stand out to me, glaringly obvious and awkward.
I am so uncomfortable with myself and my own company that I constantly seek out external stimulation to distract me from my own inner experience. I talk too much. I talk too loud. I overshare. I keep looking for labels or treatment or an approach that’ll make me be comfortable with myself.
I spend a great deal of energy trying, proactively, NOT to be an asshole. Of course, sometimes I fail. Of course, sometimes I fail SPECTACULARLY. We are all just human.
But I hold myself to such a high, impossible standard of “perfect behavior” that I cause myself anxiety, angst and distress – exactly what I need to avoid so I don’t undermine my own good intentions. I definitely don’t hold others to my same ridiculous standard. Or, if I do find myself getting overly judgey, it pops right out at me upon reflection and I can adjust my mindset, after thoroughly thinking it through.
Plenty of other people simply accept me for who I am – flaws and all; just as I accept them. I probably need to work on that same acceptance for myself, and you’d think that I’d be accepting of that by now, after 20+ years of experience with this particular set of neurodivergence.