This is more curated content from my FB. This whole post basically just poured out me at nearly midnight. I didn’t spend all day ruminating on it, it just came together out of nowhere, because while I was busy distracting myself with very mundane life stuff, my brain was working on this in the background.
Background information since our last post: I’ve been in a terrible downswing depressive episode that started in April and really intensified over the course of the month of May until I hit the point of active suicidal ideation and started to ‘come up with a plan’ about mid-May. I saw my pdoc every week in May. I very nearly went into the hospital inpatient, but I stuck it out in the “real world” with the help of my amazing partner and some great friends to keep a very close eye on me.
I started DBT group at the end of March finally, but an individual provider still eludes me. I crashed into a wall of despair and hopelessness, despite working to use my new skills. It was all just too much.
I’m currently at home on leave from all paid and volunteer work for the time being, and I’m taking it a day at a time while I wait to get into a partial hospitalization program at a local hospital. Once I’m in the program, I go to the hospital from 9am-3pm every weekday where I engage in group activities, group therapy, individual therapy and medication management.
My online therapist went on maternity leave from mid-April until today, and I had a really great session with her. I did try some other providers in the meantime, and they just weren’t a good fit.
The actual meat of the post follows here:
What if I had hit “the wall” sooner? What if I could’ve seen this horrendous depressive episode coming sooner? What if I didn’t believe in my own impressive ability to “bounce back” pretty quickly? What if I took myself and my health seriously and said, “I can’t anymore. I need a break.” before I almost went right over the brink? Could I have prevented or dodged this episode if I was more vigilant?
But then I thought about it some more. I used to be hypervigilant about tracking my moods and symptoms and trying to cut it off at the pass, because I thought I had “everything to lose”. I clung to a version of reality that demanded SO MUCH of me, and the brain weasels assured me quite firmly that if I let go even a tiny bit, everyone would leave and I’d lose all my physical possessions and I’d never live to see my kid grow into an adult, and every other catastrophic thing you can imagine.
I had convinced myself that everything was “perfect” just as it was, and I just needed to hold it together as much as possible to be able to enjoy it just a tiny bit on the weekends and in the brief moments where we got a holiday or something and that my ongoing mental health wasn’t worth it to NOT sacrifice myself.
I am reminded of an article in the NY Times that was basically, “You don’t want your employees to do mindfulness meditation on radical acceptance at lunch time because your movers and shakers will lose their drive to push the envelope and make a better world.”
There’s a balance to be struck, and it can be tricky. Contented people do not innovate. But then again, neither do people in toxic, stressful situations who cling to any sense of order in the chaos because if they give up the familiar things that they consider safe things, what do they have left? Safe, supportive, collaborative environments where people are challenged grow the best ideas.
I cannot keep half-assing my recovery. I cannot make myself into something I am not – it will not stick long-term. I need to find a path through the haze to a fully realized, fully functional person who knows her strong and weak points, and how to best make use of both of those.